Animals Are Consummate Thieves

That’s right. Animals are thieves. I said it, I meant it, and I won’t take it back. (Sit down, Skippy.) But just to be clear we are not talking about ordinary examples of animal thievery, like when your dog nicks some potato chips when your back is turned, or when a cat grabs some trinket off your desk and wiles away a few happy minutes batting it around the kitchen floor until it goes under the stove and you never see again.

No, what we are talking about is animal thievery with intention. An animal sees something it wants, sorts through the particulars, then goes and gets it. Our larcenous little buddies pilfer a wide array of objects for reasons that run the gamut from the obvious, to the seemingly impertinent, to the unfathomable.

Marauding Monkeys

Long-tailed macaques in Bali have fairly recently perfected a new way of getting tourists to give them food: they steal their stuff and then trade it back to the tourist in exchange for treats. Such simian shenanigans are commonplace among the macaques living around the ancient Uluwatu temple. The site is a popular destination for vacationers to Bali, and the monkeys are part of that popularity. 

What’s most astonishing about these macaques is their uncanny ability steal mostly high-quality goods. Oh sure, the macaques will steal baseball caps, cigarettes, and the like, but the majority of the time they go after items like cameras, binoculars, and cell phones.

There are large numbers of macaques at Uluwatu, so it isn’t particularly surprising that they occasionally conduct their criminal enterprises in teams. While one macaque hops around looking cute or making some small nuisance of itself, a second macaque sneaks up, snatches the expensive item, and hauls ass up a tree or to the top of a wall.

(Long-Tailed Macaque, Trying to Appear Innocent)

If you spent a whole pile of money on a vacation in Bali, and then when you get there some snotty little monkey swipes your camera, there is every likelihood you’re going to want it back. The monkeys are all too happy to oblige, provided you pay them off. There isn’t a set rate for, say, a camera, but plan on spending some chocolate, bananas, mangoes or whatever else is available around the temple. But be careful or another monkey might immediately steal it again.

The Criminal Crow

Crows, alongside the other corvids – ravens, jays, magpies etc. – are astonishingly intelligent. (That’s a loaded term, yes, but the argument is too complicated to get into here.) It has even been asserted that their intelligence might be on a par with the apes, which if true puts them high atop the list of smartest animals on the planet, right beneath humans. Most of us anyway.

There are many examples of corvid braininess. They recognize individual human faces, they use tools, and the complexity of their vocalizations seems to indicate language use. (“Language” is another loaded idea that lacks a unified definition). Corvids are also dedicated brigands, with a passion for shiny things, and in 2016, one report of crow banditry made international headlines.

Officers from the Vancouver police department responded to reports of a car on fire in the parking lot of a McDonald’s. As they were assaying the scene they were confronted by a man wielding a knife. They shot the man (because that’s what cops do now) but did not kill him. Paramedics, firefighters, and additional law enforcement personnel responded to the location – as did a crow.

While officers policed the area (yeah, I said that), rounding up witnesses and taking statements, the crow swept down onto the scene and, while over a dozen people stood open mouthed, picked up the knife and flew away. Officers took off after the bird, shouting and so forth, and the crow let go of the evidence. But he wasn’t done yet. Having dropped the knife he began to harass a television camera crew, attempting to steal a pair of glasses and some small electronic gear.

(Canuck the Crow)

It turned out that the crow was an avian celebrity, easily the most famous bird in Vancouver. His was named Canuck by the people who raised when he fell from his nest as a chick, and today he is the star of a Facebook page, “Canuck and I,” which has in the neighborhood of 129,000 followers. Sadly, Canuck disappeared in 2019, and scientists believe that he has probably passed away, given his age at the time and the life expectancy of crows.

I Love You So Much. Please Accept This Piece of Laundry 

Early on I mentioned cats knocking things off desks, but that’s not strictly theft. It’s more like borrowing with tricksy intent. One cat however, residing in Metairie, Louisiana, enjoyed a short but excellent career as a laundry poacher.

Beginning in mid-May of 2020 the Bardi family began to find random articles of clothing on their front porch. Among the puzzling items were swimsuits, underwear, and socks, as well as a few dishtowels. The Bardis wondered if someone was playing a practical joke, or if some inebriated goof from the bar down the street might be acting stupid.

As the days passed, and stuff continued to appear, Mr. Bardi decided to file a police report, just to be on the safe side. Meanwhile, Mrs. Bardi purchased and installed motion cameras around the house. It was the cameras that did the trick.

The culprit was their cat, Admiral. He had been cruising around at night purloining laundry from the Bardi’s neighbors. Mrs. Bardi said that the four-year-old feline had been an indoor cat since joining the household, but when Covid hit and the Bardis were isolating, Admiral apparently decided the time was ripe for a bit of serious begging. The Bardis eventually relented and allowed Admiral to hit the town.

(Admiral and Some of His Ill-gotten Gains)

Given the ineffability of cats, Admiral’s reasons for entering into a life of crime are unknown. But I would like to think that his simple joy at being outside (his biophilia, if you will) prompted him to bring thank-you gifts to his humans. On the other hand, given the ineffability of cats, maybe he was just being an asshole. 

Other Tales to Tell

If you go for a stroll through the Googleverse, you will find scads of other stories about mammalian sneak-thieves, featuring more monkeys and apes, dolphins, elephants, and more. Oh, and you will definitely want to read Mary Roach’s forthcoming book Fuzz: When Animals Break the Law. Like all her books, this one’s gonna be a dandy.  

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Works Cited & Additional Reading:

Brulliard, Karin. “The Odd Story Of A Crow That Meddled In A Crime Scene – By Stealing A Knife.” Washington Post, May 27, 2016.

Mauch, Ally. “'Kleptomaniac' Kitty Caught Stealing Neighbors' Clean Laundry, Bathing Suits, Socks and More.” People Magazine, July 8, 2020.

Osborne, Samuel. “Bali’s Thieving Monkeys Deliberately Target Most Valuable Items To Trade For Food.” Independent, January 14, 2021. 

Owens, Brian. “Monkey Mafia Steal Your Stuff, Then Sell It Back For A Cracker.” New Scientist, May 24, 2017.