Speculating on Nightmares

What follows is complete speculation, and substandard speculation at that. It’s also silly. But, as nightmares go, these are pretty, well, nightmarish. Anyhoo…

Intro

Global habitats – terrestrial, aquatic, arboreal, all of them – are growing more unstable by the year, and there isn’t much evidence that indicates they are going to recover anytime soon. Most of the planets human inhabitants are either too hungry or too greedy (mostly too greedy) to make recovery in the near future a possibility. While considering the immense complexity of the situation, we might wonder about the planet's apex predators, and how they could react as food shortages cascade through their ecosystems. It’s hard to say for sure, but it’s unlikely they will go quietly.

Tigers and Bulls and Great Whites, Oh My

Take, for instance, sharks. Particularly great whites, tigers, and bulls, the three species responsible for the majority of attacks on humans. None of the three see humans as an every-day source of sustenance. When those species bite humans, most of the time it’s a test nibble – a very damaging test nibble, yes, but a test nibble nonetheless. The consensus opinion among shark specialists is that the sharks don’t find us nearly fatty enough to make for a healthful meal.

But let’s say, hypothetically, that plunging fish stocks radically altered the feeding habits of these large predators. Great white sharks typically feed on large prey, such as seals and sea lions, but a paucity of fish could lead directly to a dearth of those animals, either through starvation, hunger-induced reproductive issues, or slaughter by fishermen, who too often operate under the delusion that pinnipeds, and not overfishing, cause shortages.

(Great White Feeding; Replace the Bait Bag with a Water Skier)

Tiger sharks have demonstrated time and again that they aren’t fussy eaters. Sometimes called the “garbage cans of the ocean,” some truly odd items have been found in their stomachs – including whole car tires, bottles of wine, all manner of plastic garbage (it makes up nearly 20% of an average tiger shark’s diet), a bulldog on a leash, and a seven foot dolphin found inside a nine foot tiger. Tiger sharks are relatively common throughout Florida’s coastal waters and in the Gulf of Mexico. Know what else is commonly found in those waters? People.

(Tiger Shark, Dreaming of Surfers)

As fish and sea turtle numbers (tigers adore munching on sea turtles) continue to plummet, would their test nibbles then graduate to unambiguous predation? Because humans are going to be in the water. It’ll take a lot more than a dying ecosystem to keep us off our surfboards, jet skis, and kayaks, and to keep us out of the waves where we gambol about making noises that sound, to a hungry shark, very like something that would make a tasty nosh. And odds are Mayor Vaughn will still want the beaches kept open.

Falling fish stocks could become a factor in driving bull sharks closer and closer to shore, and into estuaries and freshwater rivers. Fresh water isn’t a problem for bull sharks, because they can alter the salinity of their cells, thanks to their specially adapted kidneys, and thus transition from saltwater to freshwater with relative ease.

Right now, there are bull shark populations in Lake Nicaragua, the Zambezi River in southern Africa, the Ganges in India, and the Brisbane River in Queensland, Australia. They have been spotted 4000 miles up the Amazon, all the way up the Tigris River to Baghdad, as far up the Mississippi as Illinois, and Hurricane Katrina washed bull sharks into Louisiana’s Lake Pontchartrain. (There was even a report of a bull shark that washed up on the shores of Lake Michigan, though this remains unverified.)

(Bull Shark, Wondering if Today's Blue Plate Special is Toddler)

So, what if a combination of climate change, depleted fish stocks, and other factors created a scenario wherein sharks, large and small, were forced to include humans on their carte du jour? As mentioned above, asking people to stay out of the water is a nonstarter, but I’ll bet you a dollar that, if shark attacks dramatically increased, the “solution” favored by both people and governments, would be the wholesale slaughter of sharks, in numbers even higher than the tens of millions we already annihilate annually.

Humans are special that way. A governments are nothing if not cowardly.

The Polar Bear Boogie

Another animal that has the potential to start feasting regularly on Homo sapiens is the polar bear. Unless you have your head stuck shoulder-deep down the conservative ostrich hole, you are aware of, and rendered sleepless by, the fast-motion obliteration of Arctic sea ice, which, it so happens, is home to every single wild polar bear we have left.

No more ice means no more seals, the polar bear’s primary form of nourishment. It also means that the bears would no longer have launchpads suitable for leaping after beluga whales, walruses, narwhal and other species that they'll take when they can get them.

Starvation would then probably drive polar bears forever onto to permanently dry land. Once there, it is doubtful that they would radically widen their hypercarnivorous diets to include plants and shrubs, but they would almost certainly switch to new forms of meat, like reindeer, moose, and Canadian Mounties. Their southward journey might eventually even lead them to, say, Minnesota’s Land of 10,000 Lakes, where they’d be in heaven, eating fly fisherman like jujubes. 

(Polar Bear, Heading for Minneapolis)

And if that were to happen, Americans would respond the way Americans have always responded when frightened, which is to snatch up every weapon available, and make the scary things dead. And after that? Polar bear extinction.

(Polar Bear, Waving to that Nice Mountie)

Schools of Insatiable Squid

Today’s final potentially lethal creature is the Humboldt squid, known variously as the jumbo squid, and as diablos rojos, or “red devils.” They spend the bulk of their time at depths between 600 and 2000 feet, sometimes rising up the water column at night to feed. 30 years ago their territory was largely restricted to the warm water off Baja, Mexico, and continuing southward all the way to Tierra del Fuego, at the southernmost tip of South America. Today, however, populations have taken up residence in the waters off Oregon and Washington, and have been spotted as far north as the Gulf of Alaska.

(Humboldt Squid w/ Diver. Note the Chainmail)

Humboldt squid are fast, brutally efficient predators. Their usual bill of fare consists of fish, crabs and lobsters, and their fellow cephalopods. Fishermen have reported that the squid will begin eating their fellows, after one has been hooked. Additionally, stories abound of their menacing attitudes and disturbing penchant for attacking scuba divers, whom they attempt to drag down into the depths or to divest of their excess flesh through the vigorous application of their knife-sharp beaks. Clearly, the Humboldt isn’t terrible choosy about what’s for dinner.  

The dramatic recent increase in the squid’s territory might be due to dwindling prey species, and if that is the case let’s imagine for a moment what might occur if their ordinary prey became so scarce that the squid have trouble feeding themselves. They are not unheard of in shallow water, home to small fish and crustaceans, and to large Homo sapiens.

(Humboldt Squid, Up Close and Personal)

These cutthroat calamari can grow longer than 6 feet and weigh better than 100 pounds. If they got it into their heads that a soupçon of swimmer would cure their rumbling tum-tums, people wouldn’t stand a chance. They’d be gone with barely a ripple.

Once Again

Allow me to say again that everything you’ve just read has been an exercise in pure speculation. The evidence that we humans are on our way to becoming the other other white meat is anecdotal at best, and totally silly at worst.

But, every so often, isn’t it fun to ask What if?