Everyday Biophilia

Let’s get one thing out in the open right off the bat. The Loch Ness Monster (a.k.a. Nessie) is not real. There is not a single shred of verifiable evidence that there is, or ever was, a creature unknown to science paddling around in Loch Ness. Nor, for that matter, is there any truth to the wild tales concerning any other cryptid. (“Cryptid” being the preferred nomenclature, among devotees of the genre, for animals like Nessie and Bigfoot.) However, a complete lack of evidence doesn’t stop Nessie disciples from claiming they actually have tons of it. Let’s start with something basic. What Does Nessie Look Like? This simple question has flummoxed Nessiephiles (that isn’t a word but it should be) since modern sightings of the Monster kicked off in the early 1930s. See, if you take a gander at the aggregate eyewitness testimonies, there is nothing even remotely approaching a unified description of Nessie. F. W. Memory described the incongruity all the way back in 1933, in an a...

Bear Country The possibility of a human being mauled or killed by a bear is extremely rare; almost as rare as being attacked by a shark, which is less common than being struck by lightning. Around the world there are roughly 40 attacks by bears each year, and only 11 of those occur in the US, mostly in Alaska, but also in parts of Montana, Idaho, and Wyoming.   Rarity, however, should not be interpreted as impossibility. Attacks do happen, and if you are hiking or camping in bear country you have two choices: you can mitigate the possibility of an attack, or you can encourage it.  (Grizzly Bear with Some Things to Tell You) Let’s go ahead and assume that your desire to be feasted upon or to have your head popped like a melon is minimal, and that you would prefer to enjoy your time outdoors free of molestation by the creatures that live there. To that end, here are some basic do’s and don’ts regarding venturing into bear country. No Sneaking Off If you plan to spend som...

Shark Week on the Discovery Channel has been airing for 36 years. What started as five primetime nights of quality, well-produced documentaries about sharks has since mutated into a ludicrous exercise in avarice. Shark Week has been a cash cow for the Discovery Channel, and the executives there seem hell-bent on doing everything in their power to make sure the cow stays healthy, even if that means alienating their core audience. In the Beginning Back during the first decade or so of Shark Week , the documentaries featured dedicated shark biologists engaging in genuine shark research. We still have some of that today, but we also have an increasing collection of mildly charming, TV-ready, dorks who constantly shout into their respirators, and who may or may not actually be scientists. Additionally, when true scientists do appear they are too often forced to contend with absurd questions, written by TV producers with business degrees, and mouthed at them by an ever-changing gaggle ...

“If you give a screwdriver to a chimpanzee, it will try to use the tool for everything except its intended purpose. Give one to a gorilla, and it will first rear back in horror – ‘Oh my God, it’s going to hurt me!’ – then try to eat it, and ultimately forget about it. Give it to orangutan, however, and the ape will first hide it and then, once you have gone, use it to dismantle the cage.”                                          — Ben Beck,                                                             ...

What follows is complete speculation, and substandard speculation at that. It’s also silly. But, as nightmares go, these are pretty, well, nightmarish. Anyhoo… Intro Global habitats – terrestrial, aquatic, arboreal, all of them – are growing more unstable by the year, and there isn’t much evidence that indicates they are going to recover anytime soon. Most of the planets human inhabitants are either too hungry or too greedy (mostly too greedy) to make recovery in the near future a possibility. While considering the immense complexity of the situation, we might wonder about the planet's apex predators, and how they could react as food shortages cascade through their ecosystems. It’s hard to say for sure, but it’s unlikely they will go quietly. Tigers and Bulls and Great Whites, Oh My Take, for instance, sharks. Particularly great whites, tigers, and bulls, the three species responsible for the majority of attacks on humans. None of the three see humans as an every-day source...